Fundraising for Everest Cricket Shinanigans

Panic Over

2009-04-04T13:49:00.001-07:00

Don't worry everyone you can change the batting order to include me on Stickcricket. Thus rendering the last blog entry redundant. Apologies for wasting your time.

Narcissism!

2009-04-03T04:12:00.000-07:00

Great news ladies and gents/geezerbirds. The Everest Test has been made into a computer game http://www.stickcricket.com/gameeveresttest.php. The bad news is I'm not in the starting XI, which I'm assured is not a reflection on the actual starting XI. I, however, as a stand up comedian love being the centre of attention and detest exclusion like my father detests there being no second helpings. So my solipsistic pride has taken a bit of a basting. I may try and pay someone to make a rival game called ChrisMartinstickcricket.com. A game where everyone is me: batsmen, bowlers, fielders...commentators, members of the crowd, the umpires, the streaker (who will obviously have to have an uncomfortably large sack). This game will probably not be quite as popular amongst those people who do not share my name or face. Perhaps Mr Coldplay and New Zealand cricket's Chris Martin will join in.

There you have it. I have come up with an award winning idea which is marketable to 3people in total.

me, me, me, me, me

Self indulgence over...for a few minutes

Send Off Party and Fitness reality check

2009-03-25T03:45:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've written an entry as I have been either busy with gigs, busy with fitness, busy with sports coaching or just too tired to type away in my spare time. Arguably typing on a keyboard isn't the most operose of tasks, however, often you develop a mental block to doing such facile activities. For example, I haven't tried to write any new jokes in the last 5 days, even though it is a process that ultimately only involves me walking around my bedroom repeatedly saying funny swear words to myself in a disparate accents.

I, however, feel that the send off party has produced enough material for me to write about that you lovely readers will enjoy digesting with your eyes. It was a suitably smug and pompous affair in the best possible way. To me, extremely classy events such as this can encourage intolerably self important prigs to acts like helmets and generally be an irritant. However, these events also mean a plethera of extremely attractive and well to do females. I don't want to sound like a horny teenager but I have always believed the matra: write about what you know. Let's just say that I was doing the belt-trick for the majority of the evening. The place was full of chaps that I would normally detest but the event had such a convivial atmosphere that it meant that everyone was polite, pleasant and playfull.

I'm not going to bore you with every minute detail of the event but things that stick out in my memory are, my invitee Ian Gamble using a long white cusion as a pugil stick in a Gladiators type fashion; beers costing £6 a pop, which in the worst economic crisis for some time, seems more than reasonable. I'm of course being sarcastic, £6 a beer= !?*SF**%£!!! (which is Welsh for 'rubbish'); and the world's most narcassitic male toilet. It was made purely of mirrors, which I think is important as they were above knee height. I've always wanted to look at my warhammer from 8 different angles. Now I know that it should always be photgraphed on the left hand side as it's my good side.

Now to fitness matters. I completed my second half marathon in Bath the Sunday before the party in a slower time than my Great North run exploits. I did it in 1hr 51, 12 minutes slower than my 1hr 39 in Newcastle. Factors, which may explain my decrease in time despite generally feeling fitter include running abreast of BJ because it was more enjoyable although probably slowed me down, drinking a few pints the night before and having 2 urine stops during the race. So despite my knees aching the next day at work I was pretty happy with my efforts.

I'm writing this blog just over a week after the Bath Half and I feel more fatigued and dejected as it's the aftermarth of the staff versus 1XI football match. I haven't played an 11 aside match for 2 years and I had forgotten just how knackering it is. The heavy limbs and drained body are even weightier and more baron if you were part of the team that lost 4-1. I played so average and was not helped by the fact I was played on the right of midfield next to all the spectators including my under 16B team in the second half. This means every touch, dribble, falling over (yup that happened) and missed header I did was scrutinissed by the tumultous crowd. I got an extremely scaled down version of what it is like to be Emmanuel Eboue playing at the Emirates and it is bloody awful. I will from now on try my best to never tut or sigh a bad touch from a player as it's really mean. Hopefully on Base Camp there will be no crowd right next to me when I'm fielding otherwise I may have to sub myself off.

Also I hate losing so...

...Yours angrily

Comedy Night- Done!

2009-03-10T02:18:00.001-07:00

It's the day after the Comedy Store fundraiser and my few minutes in the spotlight seems an eternity away as I sit at a desk adorned in tracksuit bottoms whilst adolescent boys are told how best to get their heart working anaerobically.

The night appears to have been an unequivocal hit. Not only did we raise 6k for charity but all of the comedians had absolute stormers. I will give a very quick summary of the show; emphasis on very quick as most readers will have been there. Howard was brilliant as usual despite saying he was trying new stuff out, Jarred Christmas had me absolutely wetting my pants with his Ninja joke as well as his material getting his unborn child to pronounce Guacamole incorrectly. Benny Boot the languid Antipodean was top quality as usual and Lloyd Langford who has the world's greatest Welsh accent smashed it with his effortlessly amusing stories.

Now I guess I should give a bit of self analysis of my own performance. Admittedly I was in an unfair environment as a lot of punters knew me but I still had to not be crap. ITN were filming for London tonight so I had been wracking my brains trying to think of cricket material and I opted for what, no matter how you glaze it, was a pretty cheesy pun. It should hopefully entertain the old dears watching the news at 6pm.

Kyle Bubbly just about managed to follow my wake :). No in all seriousness he was hilarious-not just material wise but also his face, hair and pseudo African American voice with a geezer twinge had everyone in pieces. Matty Grantham's slow paced punchy delivery was a welcome change in pace before Mr Jack Whitehall closed the show brilliantly even if he does wear skinny jeans. it was all hosted by the lovely hobbit geezer that is Rich Wilson. I just hope it has a knock on effect and helps boost interest in the send off party on 19th March, which should be a top quality bash.

I imbibed a few beverages last night for almost the last night. And for anyone who loves slightly well known people, I ended up drinking in this private members bar in town where Mathew Horne and Kathy Burke were drinking. I didn't actually talk to them I just said, "Gavin and Stacey' & "Kevin and Perry Go Large" really loudly near them. As soon as I can get my mug on the TV it's private members bars ahoy!

Update

2009-02-24T05:08:00.000-08:00

I write this blog sitting in my friend James's room in Bristol having been made to go out drinking in a Casino till 5am: a backwards step in my training has occurred. I had hardly been drinking till last Friday, however, going to visit my old Uni buddies in Newcastle is not a good idea if you want to continue a path of temperance. It's pretty safe to say that the fact Gazza is an alcoholic and from Newcastle is not a monumental coincidence; more of an inevitability. I'm the worst person in the world at saying 'no' to my pals hence the reason I went up to Newcastle, spent money on drinking and the horses (aka lost almost all my bets) and then after doing a gig in Bristol last night couldn't resist the orders of my friend James 'the imbibing bison' Gibb. He is 23 years of age and still drinks like a 14 year old supping on a bottle of 'White Lightning', desperately trying to seek the approval of other equally socially awkward adolescent gimps.

On a more positive note, the compere at the gig last night introduced me as Chris 'buff' Martin, so perhaps aesthetically I look in shape even if currently I don't feel like it. I now have less than 3 weeks till the Bath Half Marathon so I definitely need to stop getting on the smash and start getting on the track- that should be on the back of a 'No Fear' t-shirt.

The comedy night line up is sorted. We have Russell Howard and Jack Whitehall from the TV plus loads of other top notch rib ticklers, including myself (hopefully I'm not going to let the side down). So if you want to know more about this google 'Stand Up on Everest' and book tickets for 9Th March. It should be a cracking night for one and all.

yours guiltily...

Dartmoor Weekend 30Jan-1st Feb

2009-02-05T03:53:00.000-08:00

As BJ, Kirt and I progressed smoothly down the tarmac gateway that is the M4 I knew that it was going to be a mirth filled weekend. Not just because of the company but because BJ handed me a piece of paper with the Bloomberg top 25 funniest names in the world: my personal favourites are Donna Bumgardener, David Moron and Dario Diklik. Incidentally I'm not swearing, I'm simply quoting people's names. If you consider these to be swear words then you are in fact deriding the innocent people who live with these names every day of their silly named lives.

We arrived in Dartmoor late Friday night despite the Sat Nav's best efforts to thwart us by sending us to a field. Just a field. Luckily we bumped into Kiwi and Glenn who were also lost but had the foresight to bring printed instructions of how to find the Dartmoor centre we were staying at. Without them we would have genuinely had to drive into a patch of vegetation and shout the names of our team mates and hope for the best.

The weekend was a real cliched male team bonding experience. It turns out that no matter whether you're 22 or 32 it is inevitable that somebody backside will try and show off in front of a room of other males and generally your audience will oblige by giggling like little school boys. We seemed to only talk about hackneyed male experiences, which I can't really divulge over the Internet as it would possibly lead to me being locked up or at least cautioned by the cyber police. Let's just say we joked about rambling and walking!

Between all of the churlish behaviour we managed to do some walking...actually walking. I managed to 'break mine boots in', which is the technical term for wearing some boots. It's a needly aggressive and euphemistic expression: I prefer to tell people that 'I popped their cherry'. We ambled around the moors and tors for most of Saturday, which must have been just under 20 miles.I would have loved to have taken in the picturesque Dartmoor scenery but for some meteorological reason which I don't fully comprehend, the land was caked in mist. The range of conversation during 8 hours of walking with different people is phenomenal: you go from one conversation to someone about their job to anopther one with someone else about the funniest name for a pornographic video. Eclectic, best describes the day; maybe smutty.

Sunday was also great fun as we split into 3 teams and got ruthlessly competitive like greyhounds chasing a stuffed rabbit around the baron moors of Devon. The challenges involved carrying 20kg fertilizer bags up a hill, carrying cooking equipment then making fried eggs up a hill, running up a hill dressed as a gorilla (I pulled the short straw on that) and carrying buckets of water from ages away...over a hill. The general theme was doing tiring stuff on hills. Having been comfortably in the lead after the first 3 challenges we choked like all British athletes and ended up tied with the other teams. I guess you could say the overall winner was team Hillary! You could then also say that I'm a cheesy man who needs somebody to dip some bread on my fondue like body to remove that stench of melted Jarlsberg.

No ranting this week. Just thought I would thank James Peterson for his organisation of the weekend, although he could have done something about the mist; at least we missed the snow storm, so well done for that. On that note, I think it's hilarious how in the current economic climate where 90% of the population are desperately grasping onto their jobs and trying their up most to save their pennies, that that same percentage of people looked out their windows and thought, 'I definitely can't go to work today because it's a bit snowy'. Special thanks go to London's bus drives for legitimizing everyones' excuses for bunking off. My faith is restored in humanity.

Peace, Love, Save the children

The Press Launch on Tuesday 27th February

2009-01-30T01:24:00.000-08:00

Above are some snaps from the press launch...obviously; you wouldn't set up a cricket pitch in Trafalgar square and not invite a few people to watch. There were genuinely loads of people with cameras gathered so I think a big thank you has to go to our PR team Captive minds for getting me on London tonight (although you see me for about half a second). I didn't get to field or bat in this match but most people don't know that. I will be now telling everyone I smashed a 6 into Nelson's Column. It's like when somebody asked if I was playing cricket on the very top of Mount Everest; of course that's impossible and the girl who asked was obviously a little bit intellectually selective (that's a PC way of saying thick). I told her we were not doing this but in retrospect I should have said 'yes', because it sounds cooler and as a moron she wouldn't know that I was massively equivocating.

The PR was really useful, however, I'm now going to rant about PR and advertising. A lot of my friends work in this field and although it has its uses I really resent the whole industry. This fire of hatred has been reignited in me after a discussion with my friend Be about blogs. He loves advertising and always bangs on about the importance of blogs in the modern world. When I asked what he thought about mine he said it wasn't niche enough. I'm writing about playing cricket on Everest: seems pretty bloody specific to me. He meant that I digress and talk about different topics too much therefore it will never get a lot of people subscribing to it, which I would love to contest but then again I'm talking about PR and advertising in a cricket blog: I have been caught with my hand in the metaphorical cookie jar.

It's this criticism of his that irks me about the media industry. Why can't I write a blog about what I want and digress and talk nonsense about social situations and things I notice? Apparently because it's not what people want to read and will not get me anywhere. That is exactly what is wrong with the world of the media, and this is a word which I think encapsulates it in one, manipulative. It's a world that is concerned with how everything you do, whether it's a blog, the way you dress or the angle at which you scratch your right buttock, can help project an image to others. I'm obviously aware that as a stand up comedian it appears that pandering to other people is something which I'm paid to do. I, however, say stuff that I think is funny and hopefully other people do, which means I have fun and enjoy myself. Therefore, why do people always worry about every minute detail in their life and how it will reflect upon them? Instead, do something because it's enjoyable and don't worry whether you have catchy angle. This may not be profound but I'm just sick to death of listening to people talk phony nonsense about unimportant crap using buzz words such as, 'niche', 'demographic', 'social trend' and phrases like, 'an idea I fully believe in'.

Now just to clarify I'm not a hippie or anything like that but if I want to digress and talk about pointless stuff, so what? It's enjoyable and is for my own pleasure not to appease some random bloke called Marcus, who dresses trendy and is totally in touch with the new socio-economic trends of 2009.

rant over.

Comedy Night update and Being a bit rubbish at batting

2009-01-20T06:49:00.000-08:00

So on an events based update, I can confidently say the comedy night should be a success. I have about 6 comedians lined up to participate on March 9th including Jack Whitehall and Russell Howard off the television. How exciting?! There will also be other top notch mirth makers on, however, the general public are very fickle and only really get attracted by people from the little black box in their living rooms.

My cricket ability seems to have taken a nose dive on the batting front, whilst my bowling has improved. At Lords on Saturday I got 3 wickets and couldn't resist bellowing 'f- you' when I bowled out BJ. I obviously have a swearing disease as there were children in the adjacent net. It turns out one of them is 13 year old in one of my PE classes, which is hardly ideal as he probably noticed that somebody who is meant to be teaching him to be good at sport is clearly inept at cricket. On a slight digression, one kid in a class yesterday made me chuckle when he said to his classmate in a haughty manner, 'my sister can climb a lamppost...and she's only 8.' The things children boast about now really have changed. I'm pretty sure when I was 13 I was telling people that I had a table tennis table in my garden and left my sister's climbing skills well out of the equation.

I was also chatting to Wes as we were leaving the nets and he used a profanity on two occasions quite loudly next to some young children. I ironically enough told him to watch his potty mouth as it sets a bad example to the younger generation: how the tables have turned Mr Wesley? Put that in your dirty mouth and chew on it!

I had a minor scare on Sunday when I popped in to visit the woman who released me into the world: my mother. It turns out she has suffered from altitude sickness and so had my sister, to the extent that when my sis was supposed to go up this mountain in Asia she couldn't go all the way up. Fiddlesticks! If altitude sickness is hereditary I'm almost certainly screwed. Having said that, my Dad is fine with that sort of thing so hopefully my sister inherited the rubbish altitude genes and I will have my Dad's. I hope that doesn't mean I end up with my Dad's low metabolism in later life, I unlike him, do not want to be of a size where a standard issue set of scales does not in fact go up to my weight.

We will only know when we are up there if I can handle the altitude...watch this hopeful space

We only have 4 friends

2009-01-04T16:15:00.000-08:00

It is called the Ramsey Theory, thought up by some geezer called Frank Ramsey who was initially trying to solve something mathematical. So Mr Ramsey would probably not be a big fan of the Facebook.

Google Frank Ramsey

Going back in time to October 8th 2008- The launch party

2009-01-04T15:17:00.000-08:00

Apologies to those of you confused the temporal yoyoing of this blog but I was very loose at updating it till a couple of months ago. Last time I went back into the more distant past was for the launch pub crawl at the end of May. Between then and the launch party my Everest based antics were put on the back burner as I was trying to be funny in Edinburgh, doing very little fitness and consuming excessive amounts of yeast and hops. This blog really should be called the fitness and boozing blog. It seems that almost every entry consists of these two elements, which may be tedious to most readers, however, It is quite simply the truth. I could lie and say that I did some sponsored midget juggling but alas this has yet to come into fruition; if anyone has the phone number for a juggling school and at least 3 tiny people then please do get in touch.

Back to the official launch party, which happened almost exactly 3 months ago. It involved drinking but unsurprisingly no fitness, there was not even any obligatory one armed press up competitions (this normally happens when teams of men get near each other in civilised social situations). I say it was civilised because it was a dress up event in the brilliantly posh South Kensington venue called The Collection, although, it's important to note that there were also computer games there. Those of you who could not make it will be pleased to know that it was8 schnitzels for a bottle of beer, which whether you're in an economic crisis or not is still utterly extortionate. Me and my pals managed to go for the very student-based option of down as many drinks as possible before the the free bar runs out. This worked and although there were only 200 people instead of 400 in attendance, it was a success.

The initial target of 400 people attending seemed realistic at first, however, at 30 banjos a ticket you can see why it's a bit of a stretch for most people. It also turns out that we have far less good friends than we think. Some of us on the expedition share friends but not only that, some girl once told me that there is a theory that someone clever has written where human beings only have 4 good friends. Admittedly, I need to research that more with some more details such as...a name of...a person before you can take that as factually accurate or noteworthy. Watch this space.

Money was raised and people had fun. That's the point of a launch party so there can't be too many complaints aside from the heart warming thought that each and every one of us may or may not have less than 5 real friends. Bye.

Festive Thoughts

2008-12-28T06:26:00.001-08:00

It's now officially the time of year where no one does anything apart from eat and argue with their families. The week before New Year's Eve is a temporal no man's land and I'm in the middle of it. It can't be all bad because now I can write more blogs.

I thought I would make this a general catch up about what's happened in the last couple of weeks rather than going back to June 2008. Although, it is this time of year when people reflect on the year just gone and generally say, 'It's been a rubbish year, let's hope next year is better'. This is either because British people are always negative and cynical or every year is in fact pants. Someone you know always dies and something global and crap happens, this year it was the credit crunch. My prediction for next year is that a great great great Uncle will die of old age and a global herpes epidemic will have hit Britain.

Fitness has undoubtedly declined slightly as I have been eating ridiculous amounts of tuck and imbibing grog everyday for the last week, which has taken a toll on me especially as I have reduced my alcohol intake over the last few weeks. Although, as many of my pals who have real jobs have time off at the moment, we have played a few games of 5-aside football courtesy of the sports hall I have free access to.

As a team we have chosen to change one of the charities from Sport Relief to The Lord Taverners, who are a cricket charity aimed at helping disabled children feel more integrated in society with their sporting programmes. It may not be such a Hollywood charity as Sport Relief but they have been much more keen on our project and want to work with us. I know charities have many things to organise and sort but if you are not going to get behind a project like this then that seems, in my humble opinion, to be foolish. Anyway on a positive note I'm about a 3rd of the way to my personal fundraising target and let's hope the project keeps building momentum.

Kirt and Curry are currently in Nepal sorting out some logistical stuff, so my thoughts are with them: That makes them sound dead, they aren't. Just to clarify they are alive and well and are probably drinking Nepalese beer whilst having women of the night push their services upon them.

in a bit

Swearing

2008-12-11T14:57:00.000-08:00

If you look back to my first post on 27/06/08, I state that I was told off for swearing. I have been retold off for swearing on this blog. It now must stop. If you're a fan of swearing you should find another blog that can give you what you want.

yours politely...

Grim Bruv

2008-12-10T15:09:00.000-08:00

Just to cut out the suspense, I did in fact complete the 8 mile off road run. I did in in 1hr 15, which is quite respectable because I was placed 600 odd. Obviously that means nothing unless you know the amount of entrants. I think there were 2000 odd not 601; it is definitely important to know how many people are in each competition. I remember I once came 7th in an event, which on paper seems better than 600th, however, for the former race I was in fact in an 8 person contest. It is necessary to know these things unless of course you come first because that is always good (outside of the bedroom). Runner-up is generally pretty respectable unless you believe the mantra of the No Fear t-shirts: '2nd place is first loser'. On the other hand if you own a No Fear item let alone believe the slogan you are either a complete helmet or a dad who thinks he's cool. Just for the record you are not cool.

The Grim Challenge was surprisingly enjoyable. The waist high puddles we had to run through were especially enticing when we arrived because the rock hard ice on the surface had to be broken pre-race. This means that the water was scientifically freezing, I'm not just exaggerating for the purposes of your entertainment. I was reticent before the start to say the least as I was half asleep and running in mud and ice for 8 miles seemed like a pretty awful way to start the Sabbath.

I actually never felt aerobically exhausted during the race, which is a good sign for the expedition. I was also nattering to my mate Jimmy who I bumped into on the start line. I was dressed in a www.Everesttest.com t-shirt and leggings, which did nothing to help my shamefully miniature twiglets for legs whilst Jimmy was in a Mexican wrestling mask and a pink thong. I looked quite overdressed and sensible compared to the Ray Mysterio look-a-like. We overtook people who were blowing out of their proverbial arses whilst we casually had a really pleasant catch up.

A fun day had by one and all. Afterwards at pub lunch we had a really good chat about people who over use the 'reply to all' button on emails. To me it's very obvious that if someone emails a group of people saying "let me know if you can do this" you let HIM or HER know by emailing just HIM or HER. There is no need to email everyone else invited. I mean if you're officially invited to a wedding, do you find out everyone else on the guest list, photocopy your reply 50 times and post it all the other invitees?? No. Case closed.

General Training and Fundraising

2008-12-04T03:39:00.000-08:00

In about 3 days I'm taking part in the Grim Challenge. This is something I only have a vague knowledge of. From what I can gather it consists of 8miles of running in off road army terrain including big puddles/ rivers, which is pretty handy because luckily on December the 7Th it should be really warm so a quick dip will be really refreshing. I am of course being sarcastic, it's going to be fat and shit!

I have no idea how I will fair fitness wise. I've started using the cross trainer. Despite previously hating any mechanical indoor aerobic machine I've been favouring the Cross trainer as it's indoors and warm, which is really good preparation for what is essentially an outdoor expedition.

I have also been doing some serious weight session with the people at the school I work at. I don't really like lifting weights as it is the most cliched male thing to do. The good thing about it is the 30 minutes afterwards where you genuinely feel like the Incredible Hulk. Sometimes I go out starting fights on people because of all the adrenalin and the 0.1mm larger pecs I have sculpted. I think I can beat up a bear but in reality I can barely take down a Chinese door mouse.

I also have severely cut down on drinking so now after about 3 pints I'm an absolute shambles. After 5 I want to fight people, which never happens. I worked out that the worst scenario would be if I have 5 pints whilst doing the bench press; I would start trying to smash everyone up and fail miserably.

Last thought for the day why do people make waistcoats for their pet dogs? Utterly pointless.

Pub Crawl in Aid of Everest- 31st May 2008

2008-11-25T03:35:00.000-08:00

After the initial team selection there was a pub crawl arranged to help celebrate the early stage of the trip being put in place. This is fantastically British. We are going to play cricket on a mountain to raise money for charity so naturally we all have to go and get hideously inebriated. I reckon even if we were raising money for 'AA', we would kick things off with a massive bender (apologies for the double meaning- if your visualising a huge bloke in a tight t-shirt waving a rainbow coloured hankie, you're very immature).

For the pub crawl we were all kitted out in cricket whites because we are an extremely professional outfit. There at one point was the suggestion that we took sport relief buckets out with us to cajole the general public into donating. I, however, think that a bloke with yak covered cricket whites, asking strangers for money in aid of a good cause might well be pushing the boundaries of public generosity towards charitable causes. You would be especially sceptical is you handed some sheckles to a man who one minute later starts downing a jug of lager whilst other men shout, 'down it you tool!'.

Obviously it was a great afternoon and no money was raised but it was a good way to meet other older team members who seemed to be on exactly the same wave length as me despite being a bit older. All the 6 year age gap between me and others meant is that there are some references to early 90s TV that they might not get. All of us, for example, appreciate how great a programme 'Saved by the Bell' was although none of them really have an opinion on the more recent 'City Guys', which as any 22 year old with access to the channel 'Trouble' as a youngster knows was a poor alternative to the Californian set children's sitcom.

Shabadoo joined later as he had been watching Wasps win the Premier League again and in doing so securing him a massive payout of £750 from some ridiculous accumulator bet he had done. He is genuinely the luckiest man in the world, I think he must have been blessed as a young bear. True fact about Joe: he has never dropped a piece of toast butter side down, I read it on Wikipedia so it must be factually accurate. By the time he arrive I was MC Hammered, groping some poor girl with the words 'I just love Penis' (it said a naughty version of this but i've been censored) written on my back and a drawing of a climactic penis next to it. Give a man a black pen, a white canvass and a few beers and there is one inevitable result- a doodled penis. By 11 I was so cut that me and Joe had to leave for the Casino. I didn't want to gamble; for some reason in my drunken mentality I decided that 'Golden Nugget Casino' was the most obviously place nearby to get some chicken wings.

We nearly didn't get in. Here is the conversation that occurred with the Golden Nugg staff.

"You're not allowed in wearing a track suit"

"technically mate, these are cricket whites"

"so?"

"they are much smarter than a track suit"

"OK...go in"

second guy behind the till leans in a makes the very valid point:

"some people might not appreciate whats written on your back"

"fair enough, I'll turn in inside out."

Somehow turning the penis ridden shirt inside out was enough to quell their concern and so I managed to get my chicken wings and be in bed by midnight.

Back to the beginning again...almost

2008-11-20T03:24:00.001-08:00

I remember getting the call from Joe/Jewy/Jewbacker/Jewnipper berry/Jewson/Jewseph/ Shabadoo saying that me and him were selected for the expedition and BJ and Charlie were on the reserve list. There was a feeling of excitement, which was unfortunately tainted by the fact that two out of four of us were not initially part of the trip. The team members were chosen on an anonymous basis so there were no big favours for people; so apparently BJ's proximity to Claire Balding was not quite enough to get him in the initial party. I was, however, quietly confident that BJ and Charlie would get in because they were first 2 on the reserve list and the probability of 2 people dropping out of such a time consuming expedition was pretty high.

Despite the slight downside I was fucking over the moon that I would be a record breaker and at the very least be joined by my pal the Jewish Bear. I should probably explain who this mystical Hasidic character is. Joe is one of my best pals. I met him in 2005 in New Zealand when me and Charlie were following the British Lions team get anally shattered by the All Blacks. He liked rugby, he was funny, and he was studying English at Newcastle University later that year, which I was also doing therefore the rest is history.

One quick anecdote about Joe Williams (he does have a real name!) so you can get an idea about him. He is a very primitive human being he likes sport, eating and sleeping. I think his Great Great Great Great Grandad was in fact half man, half Grizzly Bear. Everyday for 2 years at university he made his dinner like this. Step 1: cook some chicken fillets and put them on a plate. Step 2: Open a can of sweetcorn and add it to plate. Step 3: Put some mayo on the plate. Done!

He is obsessed by my overweight swearing father. So much so that at my 21st birthday party at my house whilst my Dad was asleep he and my friend Anish got completely naked and hugged him: photos can be found on my facebook. This story doesn't illustrate much but it makes me laugh thinking about it. And in a way is poster for religious harmony. A middle class pompous white man being embraced by a Jew and an Indian- Unicef eat your heart out!

So now me and Joe waited to see if BJ and Charlie would get onto the expedition. Watch this space if you want to find out....most of you reading this are on the trip so the suspense for you will be slim to none.

Fitness and Cricket on course...sort of

2008-11-16T15:28:00.000-08:00

I decided to join in on a bleep test at the school where I work, with the 4th form (13-14 yr olds). I've no idea why posh boys' school's don't just call them by the correct national school year names? Even upper 6th and lower 6th are called upper and lower '8th'- it's just plain annoying when you meet people who went to different schools. For example, if someone tells me they did something when they were in year 8, I never know how old they were, in my head I guess that they were...eight: which is confusing and disturbing if they are referring to when they last their V plates.

Anyway, so I did it and was comfortably chugging along determined to beat level 12.2, which I had achieved in July. Around level 11 it was me and one kid left, he looked extremely comfortable but I was confident he would drop off. At level 12 I was not comfortable whilst he looked like he could have been jogging and simultaneously composing a sonnet while being fed grapes. To sum up, he was comfortable. I started to realise I was not going to beat him and dropped out at 12.6, which although was an improvement was gutting because I'd been beaten by a child. Turns out I had in fact chosen to run in the class that contained the national pentathlete champion for that age group. Shit! I guess there shouldn't have been any shame in that but since I hate losing, shame on me. Pentathlete champ or no Pent. Champ- It's not like he's a real athlete because if he was he would have done the Decathlon, which is twice as manly- Daley Thompson can back me up on that.

Played cricket today at indoor nets and was the first time I'd played properly in 10 years. I was not proper rubbish but I was by no means what one might describe as OK. I was RU-OK. Thanks to some pointers from the very talented Kiwi (I think he's from NZ- it's a sophisticated nickname), he actually showed me how I should stand etc when batting and bowling. It's mentally tiring, you actually have to concentrate all the time, which may sound ridiculous but I only just worked this out and have decided cricket players are no as rotund and lazy as I first thought. Just keeping your head in line with the ball is tricky!

We also did nets after another bleep test followed by 5-aside football. It was a good session and gives some insight into how tired we might be at Base Camp, when we have to bat and bowl at ludicrously high altitude.

Right I have to go as I'm pooped. Don't want to lose to another small child any time soon.

Over Competitive Men

2008-11-10T09:16:00.000-08:00

This is not strictly linked to the Everest expedition, however, it is related to men competing in a sporting environment, which is close enough so that I can vent my rage through the medium of online lyrics.

On Saturday, I took my 3rd XV rugby team to play away at a school called Abingdon. The hospitality was atrocious: we were given no food, which is ludicrous baring in mind we left at 11am to get there and did not return till 6pm. This may seem a little bit like a middle class whinge because...it is. I'm pretty sure even in war- torn famine hit countries the village sports team still would have eaten in this time frame, if they had also travelled to a posh boys school which on appearance doesn't suffer from a CHUFFING FOOD SHORTAGES.

Now this is what really got my breasts in a bunch. The opposition coach (who was incidentally the referee for the game), rocked up 5 mins before K.O. and shot off straight after it. Common courtesy would suggest he at least meets me before hand for a token cuppa. There are just too many rude individuals in this day and age (I feel like an old man saying this especially because he was about 50 and I'm 22).

This is why I genuinely have nothing but contempt for this cretin, who was Welsh and looked a lot like Ieuan Evans, however, the latter was one of the best wingers of all time and I believe has a job with the BBC (I will get BJ to check with Claire Balding-see post below), so I don't think it was him.

Not only did this vapid dregg of human being give zero penalties to my team in a game of rugby, which is statistically impossible in this kind of sport, but he also was rude to my captain and me: he asked how long I had been teaching for after I politely enquired about one minor aspect of the refereeing, which is irrelevant.

His team unsurprisingly won by 6 points, I still shook his hand but I had firmly wedged it up my crack first.

It just shows that some men have a chip on their shoulder or something to prove even when coaching a group of boys who just want a fun afternoon of sport. I hope he gets his just puddings in some brilliantly ironic way i.e. he cheats horribly in a game and his team win a trophy, which he collects- the trophy he is holding in fact has some substance on the surface that he is highly allergic to and therefore he croaks it. This may seem harsh but in my defence he was a proper you know what.

In conclusion, I hope on Everest the match is played in the right spirit and whether we lose or win, there is no hint of match fixing.

p.s. BJ rung me today and said that after reading the below post, he got on the Piccadilly line from Hammersmith thinking it would stop at Turnham Green, it went straight past it to Acton town. Really cheered me up that.

Claire Balding & BJ: Going back to the first talk and Everest application

2008-11-09T02:40:00.000-08:00

I've decided to write a book about Everest Cricket- all of you are extremely lucky

2008-11-06T16:33:00.000-08:00

This is not a nonsense idea that I have thought of after 10 pints, which I will never back up, I genuinely want to do this.

One of my colleagues asked if I was writing a book on the trip and I said, 'I'm too busy'. Which does seem reasonable as I have a day job and gig around the country in the evenings including Northampton- lucky me! (seriously never go there, it smells of regret). I, however, realised that I do in fact spend on average 1-2 hours a day checking and re-checking my emails, going on facebook, tidying out my balls, tidying out my balls over people on facebook and finally- drinking tea (my drug of choice, after the drug of LIFE!, which I'm already high on, only joking: only wankers say that). Therefore, If I minimise doing the above for 2 hours or even combine some of them whilst writing this blog I reckon I can be well on my way...obviously drinking tea and writing is far easier than playing with yourself whilst trying to punctuate correctly.

So the plan is to write a little something everyday in this blog by going back to the very beginnings of signing up to this trip, whilst sprinkling in bits of what's currently going on re: fundraising, fitness, anecdotes about Everest test. There will be a 6 month time shift for the first few weeks of this but as I only just thought writing a book was a good idea today, November 7Th, it will be a bit hap-hazard. I want to reiterate that I never decided to do this expedition just to write a book. The reasons I want to do this trip are these, in no particular order:

1. Raise lots of money for international and domestic causes, which need it
2. Break a world record and so make Kris Akabusi finally proud of me
3. Test myself, on a physical and mental level
4. Something to talk about at dinner parties and a great device to snaffle beatches (can I say that?!)

These blog entries will form the basis of the book and help me write a final copy before I forget everything. So now all of you (sing./plural) know whats going on relax your flaps and enjoy the ride. It's OK to laugh at the phrase 'relax your flaps', I will not tell anyone, If anyone hears you laughing and says 'what you laughing about?', just say 'exquisite political satire', however we both know it's the phrase 'relax your flaps'- If you don't appreciate the immaturity of it, I hope you appreciate how resonant the assonance of the wording is.

long story short, buckle up!

any feedback duly appreciated.

Touching each other for Charity

2008-11-03T01:41:00.000-08:00

Any new readers out their put on some protective goggles because otherwise you might get some of the gold dust below in your peepers.

Me and BJ's touch rugby tournament has just finished. The slightly self indulgently titled Jarman-Martin Invitational.

The day seemed to go really well. Everyone seemed to have a smashing day out and me and BJ's 100 odd sandwiches ranging from marmite, ham, cheese and ham&cheese seemed to be much appreciated.

In terms of results the teacher's team beat by old friend mat and nick's team in the final after a questionable decision by the referee (me). I have a new found respect for refs as it is really hard especially when your adjudicating your friends. I was respected about as much as a Russell Brand giving a speech on phone etiquette (topical? not funny. but topical). I did receive a volley of verbal abuse so when I played in a couple of matches I thought that I would not question any of the ref's decisions, however, I still complained the most showing what a hypocritical Henry I really am.

Also something I always knew about men which got reaffirmed in my mind that no matter what the occasion if there is a trophy to be won they will always be over-competitive and take everything too seriously. It's in a our nature. I genuinely think you could have a £5 trophy up for grabs at funeral for the most upset person and men would rub onions into their retinas, stab themselves in the chops, burn money just so they can win.

anyway me and BJ should have raised about 200 snakes each (you can say almost any word and it means money) e.g. droplets, pies, sheets, boys, badboys, snickers, twigs, knuckles etc

special mention to The Sherpas (Kirt, Tom, Neil, JC, Jules, Blinky). Also to Jules for helping by kindly giving us such wonderful prizes. Steely and Gemma for representing the females in the tournament. Is that patronising and sexist? probably

Started trying to get sponsorship for Sport Relief

2008-10-29T18:01:00.000-07:00

Me and BJ (as in...) are going to get some pounds for Sport Relief this Sunday with the arrogntly titles Jarman-Martin invitational touch rugby tournament. There will be sweeties sandwiches and prizes. how exciting!

I did some fitness today and flt pretty good. I worked out if someone tells me to do fitness I will do it but I'm not very good at initiating the process. Similar to me with women. If a woman is telling me to get naked I'm pretty sure she fancies me whereas if I fancy them I normally just tell other people or throw stuff at them.

I hope now under 6 months awat from Everest I can pick up the fitness and the bitches by mentioning the whole expedition. Apprently the honeys love a record breaker as Kris Akabusi once told me.

you can sponsor me here:
www.mysportrelief.com/chrismeverest

it's been a long time...and it's still a long time till cricket ko

2008-09-22T11:08:00.001-07:00

I ain't written one of these blog things in tiiiiime bruv- So I thought I better write some saucy bits for the millions of readers out there...Hi mom (yea I spelt it the American way, I'm a fricking livewire now deal with it).

So as I spent all of August in Edinburgh doing stand up comedy and drinking to excess cos I'm such a bloody lad, I felt a little bit out of the Everest Loop. However after a meeting update from Mr Kirt Wright I'm not back in the loop and bloody loving it.

Me, Paulo Poland (that's not her surname but she's Polish so that is what she is now called) and Charlie Campbell have secure the Comedy store for a comedy night happening in March. I'm excited but I just need to secure the services of a couple of big name comedians- Matt Lucas/Ross Noble/Bernard Manning, if you're out there and keen to help (even if it's from beyond the grave and you're a massive racist) we could use you.

This next bit is funny:

At the meeting on Sunday this has nothing to do with Everest but really amused me and BJ. The barmen whilst serving me and him the 2 bottles of Sol I requested said this: 'Sunday afternoon...the worst shift for a barmen' (just for the record I hadn't even spoken to him let alone asked what his worst shift was), I then didn't say anything and he proceeded to say, 'I was out drinking till four last night-bloody hangover!'...so if you're the barmen from The Establishment and you're now reading this I just want to say I DON'T CARE-EVEN IF YOU WERE DOWNING PINTS OFF WHITNEY HOUSTON'S BREASTS- I DIDN'T ASK AND DRINKING BOOZE IS NOT IMPRESSIVE TO STRANGERS-GROW UP!!!!

speak soon

Laterz Bruvs and Cuz

xxx

The 5k test, a baby version of twenty20 on Everest

2008-07-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

Just did the London 5k run today with 7 of the other Everest lads. It was comically tiny, as there was a 10k run after. I can understamd why as essentially the only other people doing it with overweight women and old men, so by definition my Granny could have done it. Although, doing it with pads on was seriously tiring and tedious. Not quite as tedious as where we put our bags before hand. No one quite knew what to do including the stewards (aka men in flourescent green jackets), I think anyone in a flourescent green jacket is the font of knowledge, which is stupid really as I saw in JJB Sport you can purchase 3 for £10. So to be honest I should start to reassess my confidence in these people as for all I know it's just a person who shops at JJB, who are unlikely to even know what a font of knowledge is- they'd think it was some new variation on Times New Roman.

We emailed Robert Van Winkle's agent but he has not got in contact with us yet, but my fingers are still crossed because let's be honest Vanilla Ice needs the publicity and we need him because he can set a world record for singing 'Go Ninja' at high altitude- It's a lesser known hit of his that featured in Ninja Turtles 2.

right I'm off to buy a flourescent jacket...

Trying to get Vanilla Ice on Everest

2008-06-27T03:16:00.000-07:00

This is my first ever blog thingy, so if it's iteresting/ funny then happy days and if it's not then it's free and it's probably better than doing work in an office, so buckle up.

Some of you know what this blog is about for those who do not it's pretty simple: 2 teams, one called Hillary and one called Tenzig, both walk all the way to base camp to have the highest game of recorded cricket (it will be a world record) and in doing so we aim to raise 250 000 sheckles for charity- just a regular sunday morning for me. So if this interests you check out our progress and donate on www.atestabovetherest.com

After the first team Hillary meeting I'm extremely excited about raising a school assembly hall of funds for charity. I'm so excited in fact, that in my email to everyone trying to rally the team I was quite rightly told of for swearing, it made me feel about 8. But i did admittedly start it with the phrase 'awesome Hillary C**ts' so I guess it's fair enough.

We are currently trying to do a variety of things and one of them that I have been assigned to do is to find Vanilla Ice aka Robin van Winkle and get him to come with us. Me and BJ (yes as in....) will start trying to find him on saturday. We live in Chiswick, West London, so I guess the first place to check should be at the George IV pub on the highroad, because anyone who is anyone goes there and so I expect to see him propped against the bar with a really cool white man rapper drink like JD and Coke with an cherry on a cocktail stick and maybe a tiny umbrella.

Talking of drinks: we were supposed to find out the alcoholic beverage of choice for Sir Edmund Hillary by reading his book, me and BJ instead texted AQA, which is not only easier than reading a whole book, but also I remember something my Dad told me a long time ago and that is 'reading is for gays'. BJ texted first asking what his favourite drink was and unsurprisingly it was not alcoholic, but much to our amusement it is apparently hot lemonade...mmm yum yum my favourite too, but maybe that means not only was he the first man to climb up Everest he was the inventor of the popular remedy Lemsip. His favourite alcoholic drinks were: Himalayan beer, Nepali apple marpha brandy and Tibetan Chang and maccoli- local drinks made from fermented rice. All of those should be easy to find in W London. I reckon that we mix it up a bit and have brandy and hot Lemsip, that should loosen everyone up nicely.

right Chrissy M out! (I don't know why I called my blog Chrissy M: I panicked massively as at no point in my life have I ever called myself it. It must be the blog messing with my mind)

laterz xxx